Teachingselfgovernment Weblog

I want to share “The Haroldsen Family Song” that I wrote the night after the seminar.  Our family talked about creating a mission statement, but since that is going to take some time, I wanted something ‘right now!’ to pull us into the right frame of mind.   I penned these words to be sung to the tune of “America the Beautiful.”  We sing it together often and it has even stopped a couple of sibling fights.  Enjoy!

The Haroldsens, the Haroldsens
Our family we adore!
We work and play in harmony
And love forevermore.
With happy hearts and helping hands
We learn and serve and grow.
With faith and hope and charity
We’ll conquer every foe!

“Winston. You snuck out and spent the night hanging out in the convenience store parking lot. Then you climbed back in your window, thinking I would never know about it. I told you I would have to do something about that, but I’m sorry to say that I haven’t figured it out yet even though I’ve spent hours on it.”“Do you know what’s sad about that? I can’t do two things at once. What I was going to do with my time was clean up all the dog messes in the backyard, rake the leaves, and edge the lawn and sidewalk. So…I guess as soon as you have those jobs done, we’ll forget about this problem of yours. Thank you. You don’t need to work on those jobs right now. Just have them done by the end of the day on Saturday. Thanks, pal.”  

Before I begin this discussion, I would like to say that I have known many people to get trained on Love and Logic method and only learn how to have power struggles with their children, but many people and youth facilities use Love and Logic very effectively.  I see love and logic as Love first.  Love has to be the most important!  If you are having a power struggle, you are not filled with love you are being selfish or proud.  Logic means teach to me.  Teaching must happen!  Our children need to know what they should have done.  If someone uses Love and Logic with love in mind first and teaching as the second priority, then it will probably be effective for their home.   

**My comments**About the L and L excerpt.  I don’t like this dialog. (Possibly it really isn’t characteristic of what L and L means to teach.)  The father describes some behavior (that’s good) but then he makes an assumption that he knows what his son was thinking.  No one can ever really know what another person is thinking, and furthermore, when they tell that person that they do know what they think, they are initiating a power struggle.  Then the father’s rationale for a chore is that he doesn’t know how to problem solve the situation at hand.(that’s weak)  Then he tells his son that he doesn’t know what to do in the situation, so as a last resort he just punishes him because something has to be done.(I don’t believe in punishments, I believe that everyone earns either positive or negative consequences with each decision made.)   

He never tells him what he should have done, and never gives the boy vision of why he should choose to stay home.  If the boy only chooses to stay home not to have to do chores, then he is just being controlled, and no teaching is taking place.  The boy will probably look for other opportunities to sneak what he wants and just be more careful the next time.  I know, because I used to sneak out of my window at night too.  Then to say, do this chore and we will forget about the incident, tells the youth that he can just work off any bad behavior, instead of changing his heart to respect his family, and learn to make wise choices through problem solving.  Not that parents should dwell forever on bad choices, because they shouldn’t.  But, this kind of comment shouldn’t ever come before teaching what they should have done.  It is OK, even good sometimes, to explain that since you had to spend so much time talking to the youth about his behaviors you didn’t get things done, so he earned to do them instead.  This consequence is OK, but I didn’t see any real teaching take place in this dialog.   

If he were my son, after our initial teaching I would have prescribed a SODA and talked it over with him.  I would have taken him back to the vision stage, focusing on his vision for life and our family vision for life and talk about how this impacts it.  I would pray with him so that he would open his obviously devious heart to the spirit.  He would earn to not be allowed to go with friends for a certain period of time, because he is showing that he cares more for his friends than his family.  His priorities are messed up because the social draw is too great.  He needs time to be only with family and become recommitted to home and family.  Then I would focus on building my relationship with my child more.  A child with a strong bond to his parent would never be dishonest like this.  Slipping out of the house at night to “hang out” at a market, would be a major offense in our home.  The LOGICAL consequences would be problem solving exercises, SODAS, and home time for relationship building.   

I would be asking myself, “If I were my son, why would I feel that it is necessary to sneak out at night,etc.?  I ask myself, “What does he want to tell me with this action?  Does he have any fears?  How can I help him feel safe?  Does he know what he is communicating to me?”  I always tell them what they are communicating to me.  Such as; “When I found out that you left our home in the night to go “hang out” at the store, you were communicating to me that you care more about your friends than your family.  You communicated to me that you don’t mind hurting or worrying your family if you can get what you want.”  Is this what you wanted to communicate?”  ….They don’t usually ever realize that they are telling us something with each action they make.  We need to tell them that.  This also helps them understand why they need to accept a consequence of no friend time for a certain period of time to strengthen their commitment to home and family.  There’s a long answer.  I hope that gives you an idea of how the two styles differ.  I am afraid that L and L is looked at as THE parenting way for most people, because it is so endorsed by the school system.  I hope people soon see that there is another way to communicate. 

I have noticed that L and L is almost entirely power struggles.  Parenting isn’t about who has the power, it is about two people.  God put one person into another person’s stewardship.  The steward is to seek God’s counsel to teach the child how to behave.  Both of these people start out having mutual respect for each other.  This respect is the important thing.  Do we all live like respectable parents?  I suggest to you that many don’t.  If we don’t behave respectfully to our children (such as overindulging or speaking sarcastically), then we teach them not to respect.  Remember that it doesn’t really matter if they make their bed today so long as their heart is pure and teachable.  If there heart is in the right place, then they respect their parents and there is no need for a power struggle anyway.    

L and L stands for Love and Logic 

Well, there you have it Kaisie.  It should be easier to see the difference now.   

🙂 Nicholeen 

I am in need of some help with my 9 year old son.  He is a major dawdler, and always has been.  I am a very efficient person and try to get things done as quickly as possible.  See the conflict already?  It takes gobs of time for him to do simple things like get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, read his books, and other things that are very simple.  He’ll start the task, but then literally just start walking around the house in circles, just doing nothing in particular except dawdling.  I don’t think it’s entirely intentional–most of the time it seems like he just can’t help it.  But, it is such a point of frustration for me, I just don’t know what to do about it.  Sometimes setting a timer and giving a reward at the end works, but sometimes nothing works.  I remind, encourage, nag, yell (bad mommy!), beg, plead, incent, but I just can’t stand over him and keep him on task every second of the day.  Do you have any experience with this?  I would just love and appreciate any
possible suggestions!  I’m nearing my wit’s end with this problem.  We need a good, lasting solution.

Dear Sarah,

I also have a 9 year old; but she is a .  I am also a very efficient person.  In my situation I have to be, or I won’t get all the things I need to done. 

The very first thing you need to ask yourself, is, “When he does something on task what do you do?  Do you simply go on with your day because you are still so focused, or do you stop and praise him like crazy?  I bet he follows through sometimes.  It probably feels like never, but sometimes you ask him to do something he likes to do and he does it perfectly.  Look for those times, and praise, praise, praise. 

Secondly, remember in the seminar how I said that 99% of all behaviors can go back to the Four Basics?  Your son doesn’t know how to follow an instruction.  The last step we teach in following an instruction is checking back.  There have been times over the years when I haven’t remembered about checking back.  It takes extra time and sometimes life gets going so fast that I honestly have forgotten to remind the children to do it.  When this happens, my children don’t get praised nearly enough for what they do and they have focus, or dawdling, problems.  Practice following instructions every day this week at a set time.  Make the instructions fun so that the children will have a good time following.  Make it like a game.  During this game, constantly go over the steps to following instructions and praise them for each exact step followed. 

            “You followed my instruction to skip around the room fantastically!  You looked at me when I spoke to you.  You kept a calm voice and a calm face.  You said, “OK.”  You skipped immediately and then you checked back.  You are so great at following instructions.  Yeah for Brian!” 

If he doesn’t following instructions, including checking back, he should earn an extra chore or something.  Don’t just dwell on the negative consequences though.  Sometimes positive consequences can teach more than negative.  Maybe have a counseling session on this behavior.  Explain why this behavior is hard for the family and what that means to him.  All rationales must be something the youth cares about, or they will not have a desire to change.  Then set up a plan like; “If you can follow instructions and check back all day today, then you will get something from the snack bag.  Or, if you follow instructions and check back this whole week, then we will go for a date on Saturday and get shakes, just us.  We will use this chart to mark a happy face for every time you check back and a sad face for every time you don’t.  I will try to remind you to check back, but you have to try too, OK?” 

You may want to do some oral SODAS, problem solving exercises, about situations you often find him in.  A solution might be something like this: “Mom gives you an instruction to clean the bathroom sink.  You say, ”OK”, and go to do the task.  On your way to the bathroom, you notice your sword in the hall.  You really want to play with it.  What are your options?”

There are exact steps to staying on task if you want to use them.  Boys Town came up with these.  These are obvious, but could prove helpful.  I actually taught them to a foster youth who had a severe focusing on tasks problem.  It was helpful, but I think the basic following instructions is where to start.  Following instructions also applies to so many other things.  If he knows that one, it will be easier for both of you.

Step 1  Promptly begin work on the task.

Step 2  Focus your attention directly on the subject.

Step 3  If your attention wanders, instruct yourself to concentrate on the task.

Step 4  Ignore distractions or interruptions by others.

Step 5  Remain on task until the work is completed.

Finally, I want you to know that my oldest son had a focusing problem at age 9, but now he doesn’t have as much of a problem. (He is almost 12)  Right at the time he started focusing my daughter, who was always so focused, started not focusing.  Some of this behavior has to do with the age.  Children are naturally curious at this age, this is why they love to learn just about everything.  Life is exciting.  Be careful not to have such a rigid agenda that you take that excitement away.  Have times of the day that you have told them will be completely free, so that they can see that they only have to focus for a short time and then they are free to explore.  This will help with their anxiety.  Children age 9 shouldn’t be required to focus on tasks the whole day.  This behavior comes with time. 

I get these ideal pictures in my head sometimes that are destructive; be careful of these.  Many ideals are great, but ones like my child will look perfect at a certain party and I will come home to a completely clean house, and we will arrive at the party on time, are destructive.  If you have a child that moves slower than others, you might need to change the goal to arrive at the party on time for a while, and let the other two things get done when you can.  Don’t let yourself get stressed over silly things.  Yelling drives the spirit away from your home.  And then, who cares if everyone did what you wanted them to on time, because the whole reason they are in your home is gone. 

If it is time to go and he didn’t finish all he should, leave it and give an instruction to get in the car.  Then in the car, calmly explain that he will have to do the tasks when he gets home and another chore, because he didn’t stay on task.  (explaining the steps he should have done of course)  If he did stay on task, but is slow, as my daughter is, then you can do nothing but let them resume the task when you get back home.  You should also praise him for staying on task even when he might be slow.  Love his difference.  He will grow up to more like you than you think. 

Praise, Praise!

🙂 Nicholeen

In the year 1998, my husband decided to make a career change which involved lower pay and additional schooling.  We had already decided that I needed to stay home to raise our two children, so we didn’t exactly know how we were going to meet the needs of our growing family.  I appealed to a higher power for direction and, by providence, was led to the Utah Youth Village in Salt Lake City, Utah.   I had never thought of doing foster care before, but knew that at this time I was meant to, to provide for my family and support my husband. 

            After getting hired by the Youth Village, as we called it, we were required to complete an intensive training and become certified on their system of foster care and what they called, “The Teaching Family ” which they instructed us was developed by Boys Town. 

After the first night of instruction from the Youth Village I felt that quite a few missing pieces had been inserted into the parenting gaps that I didn’t even realize I had.  I was immediately free from emotional anxieties.  I remember the conversations that my husband and I had on our one hour car rides in and out of Salt Lake City every night to these classes.  We were amazed at the difference this style of communication was already making in our lives.  We were talking more effectively with each other, and our children seemed to understand us better even though they were only ages three and one.  My son, who had refused to potty train all of the sudden felt the desire to try, and within a few weeks, he was completely trained.  I know that this is because there was immediately a different feeling in our home.  He was open to change because he felt more secure.  If homes have a hostile or stressed feeling all of the time, children become insecure and protect anything that they feel they have control over, even to the point of adding more frustration to the parents and themselves.  This is what had unconsciously happened in regard to potty training and many other things in our home.  I was amazed that it had really all boiled down to basic communication skills and self discipline.  Life, and our home for that matter, hasn’t been the same since those Youth Village trainings. 

A few years later a friend approached me to teach a homeschool support group meeting on the subject, and I have been speaking about effective parenting every since. 

That’s the summarized version.

Nicholeen

I would like to thank Kaisie Alba for helping me get this blog up and running.  The purpose of this blog is to have a place for families who are trying to teach their children how govern themselves to ask questions to Nicholeen and find solutions to their struggles with parenthood.  Teaching Self Government is a huge paradigm shift and often times questions come up along the way.  This is the place to find a power source if you need one and ask questions.  Nicholeen will check the blog as often as possible to try to answer all the many questions out there.  She does do lots of things in life, so sometimes it could take a few days, although I hope not.  I am trying this blog thing out.  If it doesn’t seem to be doing much good, then I will discontinue after a while.  I will try to post stories from my own life and helpful tips for parenting as I have time. 

To begin with, everyone I have had attend a seminar will be invited to join this blog with an email from me.  More people will be added as others hear my presentations and seminars.  If you are looking at this for the first time, welcome!  I hope the spirit of healthy family communications is alive and well in your home.  Let me know if I can help.

It’s good to ask yourself why you take this much time parenting.  My purpose is not to make perfect children.  My purpose is to make joyful adults, who know what their mission in life is and can’t wait to fight for it, and have good relationships with God and family.  With a purpose like this I have mission and I don’t have to worry if my children don’t measure up to the ‘perfect’ child down the road every day. 

Blessings – Nicholeen